


Macchiatos, Fate, & Other Fatal Circumstances

by kawaiisumi



Series: Free! RarePairs Saga [3]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Coffee Shops, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-08-01 08:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16281029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiisumi/pseuds/kawaiisumi
Summary: Haru, a recent college drop out, takes to working in a coffeeshop to hopefully buy himself time before he has to decide what he is going to do with his life. What he didn’t expect was to meet someone that knew just how to get under his skin, and throw his organized life into organized chaos, changing the course of his life to anything but according to plan.Aka, working for a coffee shop ends up being a lot more than Haru bargained for.





	1. An Unexpected Turn of Events

**Macchiatos, Fate, & Other Fatal Circumstances**  
_Aka, working for a coffee shop ends up being a lot more than Haru bargained for_

_Chapter 1: An Unexpected Turn of Events_

When he took the job, it was supposed to tide him over until he figured out what he was going to do now. Haru had taken the plunge, moved to Tokyo with Makoto, to become a professional swimmer.

He had a plan. But life had a weird way of fudging all of the plans he made for himself.

“Where do you see yourself in the future, say 10 years from now?” The manager asked.

She was a kind enough woman, bright red eyes and long maroon hair. Her name tag said “Kou” in crisp cursive lettering; her apron steamed and pressed without a crease in sight.

If Haru had been asked this question a year ago, he would’ve had a more definite answer. “… Probably not working here.”

Kou snorted, scribbling something onto her clipboard. “Interesting answer… What makes you think you can do this job?”

Haru frowned, drumming his fingers along the sticky coffee table. He took a glance at the bar, where a young blonde teen was busying himself with trying to work the espresso machine. “Well, the fact that you hired him makes me think I can do anything,” He replied nonchalantly.

Kou raised her eyebrows at him, before her gaze drifted over to the blonde. To prove Haru’s point, he accidentally knocked over a carton of milk. Haru watched as he frantically tried to mop it up with a paper towel. “… Well, that’s my brother’s friend from high school. He’s kind of a klutz, but he does an okay job.”

Haru shrugged, “If he can do it, so can I.”

Kou hummed, leaning back into the plush chair. “Fine. I like your attitude. There aren’t a lot of people out here in Tokyo like you. You’re hired.”

XxXxX

The first day on the job was pretty easy. Haru clocked in around 6pm, after the commute home rush hour. By then, the store was quiet. Every day was like this. He quietly slipped through the door at 6 and clocked in at the back; tied his apron around his neck and pinn his name tag (which Kou had unapologetically doodled a dolphin beside his name) to the front.

The shop was tucked into a corner of the city’s financial district. It often found business men in suits tapping away on their laptops, speaking to each other over the phone in soft hushed voices. But it was quiet. And Haru enjoyed quiet.

“Haru-chan, can you go wipe down the tables?” The blonde, who Haru had come to know as Nagisa, handed him a wet cloth and a spray bottle. “Gou-chan usually makes me do it, but you’re the newest employee now, so you get to do the fun odd jobs.”

“I told you to lay off the -chan already,” Haru sighed, though taking the cloth from Nagisa. “And you should really stop calling Kou ‘Gou-chan’ or she’s going to fire you.”

Nagisa giggled, wandering away to go meet a customer at the till. “She can’t fire me, she loves me too much!”

Haru rolled his eyes, going around the counter to wipe the tables down. He didn’t mind doing the mundane jobs. He got paid all the same. Besides, he still hadn’t quite figured out how to work the steamer yet, but god forbid he ask Nagisa how to do it. He’d wait until he had a shift with Kou herself.

By now, the shop was fairly deserted. By November, the sun set around 6pm, and only a handful of people remained inside by the time closing rolled around. Haru made his way through the tables, starting first with the overused tables at the front. They were popular because they were set right in front of the window. At night, the soft glow of the street lights permeated the window, casting a golden glow over the glossy mahogany tables.

By the time he had made the rounds, wiping each table, it was well into the evening. Most of the customers had gone, and Nagisa was throwing out the garbage. Haru busied himself behind the bar, wiping down all the machines and making sure they were ready for the next day at opening. The front door bell jingled as the door was propped open. That was odd. Nagisa usually came from the back. 

“Hey, are you still open?”

Haru’s gaze was drawn upward to the front door. There was a young man standing there, who couldn’t be any older than he was. He wore a long beige trench coat, and a satchel slung across his back. What struck Haru the most was the guy’s thick rimmed red glasses, perched perfectly on the bridge of his nose. And behind them were the most vibrant violet eyes that Haru had ever seen.

“… We’re closing in half an hour,” Haru replied lamely, fiddling with the steamer that he still had no idea how to use.

“That’s more than enough time,” The stranger said, taking a seat in the front at Haru’s favourite spot by the window. “I’ll get a macchiato.”

Haru watched him carefully, slowly turning away from the steamer. “Name for the order?” he asked, plucking a cup from beside the register.

“Ryuugazaki,” the guy said, taking out a rather thick book from his bag. He opened it flat against the table, and Haru watched the spine of the book bend. “But Rei is probably easier to spell,” He finished, with a humorous glint in his eye.

XxXxX

“How was work today?”

Haru shut the door behind him, taking care to lock the door and slip the door chain back into place. He jiggled the lock three times. Finally satisfied that the door was locked, Haru eased into the dining room chair beside Makoto. “Boring,” he mused, tossing aside one of Makoto’s textbooks. “How are you still studying at this hour? It’s almost midnight.”

“I have a big midterm coming up,” Makoto shrugged, taking his reading glasses off. “But I can spare a few minutes to talk to you.”

“… There was a guy at work that wore glasses today,” Haru said, gesturing to Makoto’s glasses with his chin.

“Aren’t there a lot of people who wear glasses?”

“Yeah but he was a weird guy,” Haru frowned, “He drinks basically straight up espresso at 9pm and just sits there and reads.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Makoto asked, rising from his seat. He went into the kitchen, coming back with two glasses of water, and handing one to Haru.

“Who can sleep after they drink espresso at 9pm?” Haru said crossly, taking a large gulp of water. “And why read at a coffee shop when you can just read at home?”

Makoto laughed, “You always get so fussy when your routine is changed.” There was a pause, and Makoto drummed his fingers against the table. “Maybe… Maybe a change of pace will be good for you though. Help you ground yourself, figure things out.”

Haru shot him a glare, scowling as he polished off his glass of water. He set the glass on the table, turning it nervously in a clock-wise motion. “It’s not that simple,” Haru insisted. “You of all people should know that.”

Makoto’s eyes softened. He sighed apologetically, taking the cup from Haru’s fidgeting hands. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking that this could help...”

Haru stood, swiping the cup from Makoto’s grasp. He took hold of both cups, knuckles white and tense. “… I’m going to wash the dishes. Are there any others that need washing?”

Makoto pinched the bridge of his nose, slipping his glasses back on. “No, I did the dishes a little while after you left for work.”

Makoto heard Haru’s footsteps pacing the kitchen, and the sound of cupboards opening and shutting. Haru re-appeared holding a bunch of dishes haphazardly in his arms. “These ones?”

“Yeah, they’re the ones from dinner but you really don’t have to-”

“I’m going to wash them again,” Haru interrupted, turning on his heel. Makoto heard the dishes clatter in the sink and the faucet being turned on. “You never wash them properly anyway,” Haru argued, over the sound of the rushing water.

Makoto’s shoulders sagged, as he turned his attention back to his textbook. His few minutes to spare had passed by much less pleasantly than he’d hoped.

XxXxX

Around 8 the next evening, Haru felt a gnawing feeling begin building in his chest. Even Nagisa seemed to catch on to the change in atmosphere, handing the last customer in the store his latte and shooting a glance at Haru. “Haru-chan? Is something the matter?”

Haru ignored him, watching the customer leave out the front door, and scanning the empty coffee shop. “Haru-chan?” Nagisa frowned. Haru picked up the wet cloth and spray bottle, moving out from behind the bar to start cleaning the tables as he always did once the last customer left.

They didn’t close until 10:30, but typically there was no traffic in the store past 8. Haru wiped down the tables, glancing at the door after each surface was done. So far, there was no sign of the guy with the red glasses.

By the time 9pm hit, Haru felt his shoulders relax as he finished cleaning the store front and went on to start wiping down the machines and utensils behind the bar. Nagisa busied himself with emptying the garbage cans by the front door, tying up the bags and taking each one out back. The blonde glanced out the window, as he hoisted the last garbage bag over his shoulder. “Hey Haru-chan look, that same guy from the other day is walking toward the shop.”

Haru froze dead in his tracks, pausing from wiping down the nozzles of the steamer. He had really hope that he wouldn’t show up again; but apparently life just loved to mess around with him.

Rei entered the coffee shop, this time taking a seat on the bar stool overlooking the counter where Haru was working. “Hey,” he said, setting his bag down on the counter.

Haru glanced up at him, before his eyes settled on the bag. “… Can you not put that there? I just finished cleaning all the tables and counters.”

Rei quickly moved his bag, setting it on the bar stool beside him. He eyed Haru curiously. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you guys tidied up so soon, there’s still an hour and a half until you close.”

Haru sighed irritably, putting down the spoons he was polishing. “Most people don’t usually come in past 8.”

“Sorry,” Rei said, taking a book out of his bag. He thumbed through it, taking out his bookmark and setting it straight on the marble counter. “I have night classes, so this is the only free time I have during the day.”

Haru stared at the bookmark, slowly backing away to wipe the nozzles of the steamer. “Let me guess, macchiato?”

Rei smiled warmly, “Yes please.”

Haru sighed, making the drink and placing it in front of Rei as he continued to read through his book. He stared for a while, watching the way Rei’s eyes traced the words on the page thoughtfully, before he went on to polish the spoons. “Do you read?” Rei suddenly asked, as Haru made it through the silver tea spoons and began to work on the forks.

“Not really,” Haru said, putting down the cloth he was using. “I’m not in school right now, so…”

Rei closed the book, pointing at the cover. “You should read plays. I think you’d like them. Some of them are easy to get through, and you could read them when the shop slows down.”

Haru stared at him blankly, “Are you reading a play?”

“Yeah,” Rei nodded, turning the book to face Haru. “A Streetcar named Desire, by Tennessee Williams.” He took a sip of his coffee, stirring it thoughtfully as Haru reached out to touch the book. It was bound in a glossy cover, the titled embossed and tickling his senses with its raised cursive. Rei watched Haru study the book, “You can borrow it if you want,” he said.

Haru looked at him, surprised. “No… It’s fine. I don’t need it. And you’re still reading it.”

“I can read it to you if you want,” Rei said, “No one is even in the coffee shop after 8, right?”

Haru hesitated, glancing toward the back door. Where was Nagisa? “… I guess. But don’t interrupt me while I’m working. Just read.”

Rei nodded, opening the book at page one. “That sounds like a deal to me.”

Haru nodded, letting Rei’s voice float into the back of his head as he slowly started to read. Haru closed his eyes, counting to ten. He picked up the wet cloth from the counter and went to wipe down the steamer nozzles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second installment of my rarepair fics! This time it's ReiHaru! I know I'm not very good at writing Rei's character so I apologize if it's kind of weird or off... I'm hoping as time goes on I can learn to capture him better! Hopefully we'll get that Rei silliness we all know and love real soon!


	2. If It's You, I Might

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few weeks since Rei first started coming in to the coffee shop. To him, Haru is an interesting character he's really started to take a liking to. He has an idea to ask Haru out... But the question is, how will Haru respond?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is here!! I have so much fun writing this story.
> 
> Be warned, there is some explicit language in this chapter! (aka, Rin has a very vulgar mouth in my head lol)

**Macchiatos, Fate, & Other Fatal Circumstances**

_Chapter 2: If It’s You, I Might_

“It is six o'clock the following evening. Blanche is bathing. Stella is completing her toilette. Blanche's dress, a flowered print, is laid out on Stella's bed. Stanley enters the kitchen from outside, leaving the door open on the perpetual 'blue piano' around the corner…” Rei paused, when Haru dropped another spoon in the sink. He had been putting the clean dishware onto the drying rack beside the sink. The silverware clattered against the porcelain. Haru exhaled deeply, staring at it for a moment and shutting his eyes.

Haru definitely had some weird mannerisms. Rei began to notice them the more time he spent in the coffee shop. He arrived every day around 9:30, and Haru always seemed to be doing the exact same thing when he got there. “Are you okay?” Rei asked, placing the book face down on the counter.

Haru said nothing until his eyes were open. “Yeah, it’s fine.” Rei watched as he picked up the spoon and tossed it back into the soapy dishwater in the other sink basin. He watched peculiarly as Haru took all the dishes from the drying rack and put them back into the soapy water. Haru glanced at Rei. “What are you staring at?”

Rei blinked, turning his gaze away and back toward the book. “Sorry.”

Haru inhaled, washing the dishes, tapping his foot agitatedly. “I told you to just read, right? You don’t have to talk. Just read.”

Rei frowned, studying Haru’s face. Haru was always grumpy; always on edge. It was as though he anticipated the worst case scenario every day. Rei thought it must be exhausting to live like that. “I know I said that, but I want to ask you something Haruka-san.”

Haru stopped, “Why do you have to call me that?”

“Well that’s what your name tag says. But if you don’t want me to do that I can call you something else-”

“Just Haru is fine,” Haru quipped, setting the washed plates into the slats of the drying rack. “What do you want to ask?”

“I’m reading this play for my literature class, and my professor told me that they’re playing it at the theatre a few streets down. I was wondering if you would go with me.”

“No.”

Rei was dumbstruck, trying to process the answer. He hadn’t even had a chance to blink. Haru hadn’t stopped working, methodically washing each dish and setting it in its rightful place in the drying rack. “Is…” Rei drummed his fingers against the counter, “Is it a money problem? I can pay for you if you want.”

Haru shook his head, draining the sink now that he was finished with the dishes. “I don’t want to go. And I’m busy.”

“We can see it for the Sunday matinee, you don’t work in the afternoon, right?”

Haru sighed irritably, picking up a dish cloth and wiping the counter beneath Rei’s hands. “I just don’t want to go. I don’t like theatre.”

Rei nodded, his lips pressed in a fine line. “Okay, I understand.” He stole a glance at the clock. The second hand quivered, seemingly stuck and unable to move on. “I better get going. It’s late.” He stood, and Haru said nothing when he put on his coat and slung his bag over his shoulder. “And you should tell Gou-san to buy a new clock, that one is broken.”

XxXxX

When the door shut behind Rei, Haru’s shoulders slackened. He swore under his breath. He knew he was being an asshole. He didn’t mean to. But whenever Rei was around, his palms got all sweaty and his chest felt all fuzzy and it was hard to pay attention to what he was doing. And Haru hated to be distracted.

Has it been anyone else that was trying to talk to him while he was working, Haru would have stopped them in their tracks a long time ago. But with Rei he just couldn’t. He liked the sound of his voice when he read. For each character he changed his voice, which was just so flexible, no matter which he used, it always suited him.

And yes, it was comforting to have someone in the coffee shop with him. Haru always closed alone, since Nagisa scaled back on hours due to school, and Kou hadn’t hired anyone new yet. Not that it mattered anyway. He was always so rude to Rei, he couldn’t imagine Rei coming back any time soon.

Haru sighed tiredly, exiting from behind the bar to flip the open sign on the door to closed. At this time of night, even the street was quiet. He hoped that Rei would get home okay. Haru had no idea where he lived, or if it was anywhere near here. But the idea that Rei came out of his way to visit him all the time just made him feel worse.

Shutting off the front window lights, Haru finished his cleaning routine by sweeping the floors. By the time he was finished, it was already close to 11:30pm. Makoto was probably wondering where he was. Sure enough, when he hung up his apron in the back room and slipped on his coat, his phone showed one missed call from Makoto.

 _Be home soon._ Haru shot off a quick text, picking up his bag. He looked over the front of house one last time, noticing a napkin that had been left on the bar counter. Weird. He hadn’t noticed that there earlier. He picked it up, expecting to just crumple it and toss it in the garbage when he noticed that it had something written on it.

_If you change your mind, call me. -R_

Haru was dumbfounded. Written beneath the message was a phone number, that he could only assume was Rei’s. He furrowed his eyebrows, stuffing the napkin into his coat pocket. He knew he should have been happy, but for some reason, he only felt worse.

XxXxX

Haru got back to the apartment at midnight, kicking off his shoes and hanging up his jacket by the door. He shut the door, putting the chain in place, and jiggling the handle 3 times. He sighed irritably, putting his shoes away in the closet and checking the door again.

Makoto was watching him from the kitchen. “You look grumpy. Did something happen?”

Haru tugged on his bangs, reaching into the pocket of his coat. He slammed the napkin down on the counter. “This happened.”

Makoto picked up the crumpled napkin, quickly scanning it over. His eyes softened upon the realization of what it meant. “Haru… This is a good thing. What did he ask you?”

“He asked me to go to a stupid play with him,” Haru grumbled, opening the cabinet where they kept the water glasses.

“A play…? You mean, like the one he’s been reading to you at work? Haru that’s so sweet.”

Haru shut the cabinet, glancing at Makoto. He took a breath. “Yeah. But I don’t want to sit in a dark theatre full of people.”

“But I thought you really liked him!” Makoto insisted, setting the napkin back on the counter. He watched Haru open the cabinet again.

“I never said that,” Haru said, closing the cabinet. He furrowed his brows, as though he were thinking really hard. “All I said was that he makes me chest feel all weird and fuzzy.”

Makoto laughed, running a hand through his hair. “You know Haru, most people would say that about people they have big crushes on.”

Haru didn’t say anything, but Makoto could see the blush creeping up his neck. “That’s stupid.”

“I just think you’re not being honest with yourself.”

Haru frowned. He hated how close he and Makoto were sometimes. Makoto could always see right through him. Haru knew that the past year hadn’t just been hard for him. It had been hard for Makoto too. Haru sighed, opening the cabinet and getting a glass of water. “… What if he thinks I’m weird?” Haru asked, turning the glass in his hand before taking a sip.

“Haru, if he really thought you were weird he wouldn’t have asked you out and given you his number after you said no.” Makoto stood beside Haru, leaning against the kitchen counter. “This could be good for you. You’ve been doing so much better since you got the coffee shop job. This could be the next big step for you.”

Haru rolled his eyes. “You sound like my mom.”

Makoto laughed, “Honestly? With the way you make me take care of you, I feel like your mom sometimes.”

“Well sorry,” Haru drawled. His gaze fluttered back to the napkin on the counter. “… Do you think I should go? I’ve never been to a theatre but I don’t think I like the idea of it…”

“You won’t really know unless you try,” Makoto said, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezing. “You should call him. Or text him at least.”

There was a moment of silence, and Makoto straightened up from his slouch against the counter. “I’m going to get ready for bed. But you should really consider going with him.”

Haru watched Makoto disappear down the hallway. He hated when Makoto was right.

XxXxX

“Rin-san, I ruined it. I ruined it.”

“Jesus, Rei calm down. I bet it’s not that bad. What could you have possibly done that would’ve fucked it up that bad?” There was a pause, “Also we’ve known each other for years why do you still tack that ‘-san’ at the end of my name?”

Rei sank into his desk chair, combing his fingers through his hair. “You know that guy I’ve been telling you about?”

“You mean the lame dude that works at my sister’s coffee shop that you read to?”

“I’m going to hang up on you.”

“Sorry, sorry, yes I do. He’s the guy you have the hots for.”

Rei blushed, “Why do you have to be so obscene?!”

“Because your reactions are hilarious,” Rin chortled over the phone.

“Not funny.” There was a pause. “I asked him out.”

“You what?! Damn, I didn’t know you had the balls to do that.”

“Why do you doubt me so much?” Rei moaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re just so funny to tease,” Rin conceded. “What did he say?”

“I didn’t even have a change to breathe before he said no,” Rei sighed, moving from the desk chair onto his bed. He flopped onto his back, staring at the ceiling. In the night stillness, he could hear the cars puttering by from the window of his first floor apartment. “And then, I left him my number on a napkin and told him to call me in case he changed his mind. What kind of person am I?”

“A hopeless romantic apparently,” Rin replied.

Rei scoffed, “You’re the one who cried when we watched The Notebook.” Rei swore he could feel Rin scowling over the phone. At least that thought put a smile on his face.

“Fuck you,” Rin said. “But honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. You gave your barista your phone number. It’s not like you’re the first person to have done it.”

Rei tilted his head back, staring out the window at the streetlight that flickered across the street. He had called the city and complained about it a week ago. But they still hadn’t fixed it. “I know that. But he hasn’t called me. That’s the problem.”

“Maybe he didn’t see it. If you wrote it on a napkin, maybe he just didn’t pick it up off the counter.”

“I highly doubt it. I’ve considered all the theories. You’ve never met this guy, but he’s a neat freak. There’s no way he left it on the counter. I swear he checks the store three times before he clocks out.” Rei frowned. Haru was very thorough. Haru may not have noticed, but Rei watched his behaviours all the time. They were incredibly fascinating. He liked to do things in threes. If he didn’t like how it turned out, he would do it again. 

But that was just the way Haru was, and Rei found him extremely intriguing.

“You gotta give it some time I guess,” Rin sighed, “Maybe he thinks its inappropriate to go out with a customer.”

“Maybe,” Rei conceded. Or maybe Haru wasn’t interested in him at all. His phone buzzed in his hand, along with his text chime. “Hold on I just got a text.”

“Who’s it from?”

Rei lifted his cell from his ear, peering at the screen. “It’s from him.”

“Well there you go. Maybe he’s saying yes to the date. Don’t forget to bring condoms.”

“It’s not that kind of date!” Rei flushed, scolding him. “You’re disgusting.”

“And yet, we’re still friends. See you on Thursday for ramen and studying?”

“Yes, yes, whatever,” Rei said, hanging up the phone. He read over Haru’s message; couldn’t help the smile that was spreading across his face.

_It’s Haru. I’ll go._


	3. Before It All Burns to the Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru agrees to go on the date. Hell, he's looking forward to it. But things just... aren't feeling right these days.

**Macchiatos, Fate, & Other Fatal Circumstances**

_Chapter 3: Before It All Burns to the Ground_

Makoto’s eyes flickered open at the sound of clattering. He rubbed at his face, squinting in the darkness toward the alarm clock on the bedside table. 5:23am, read the blaring green lit numbers. The clattering continued; the banging of cabinets being open and shut. He sat up, running his fingers through his hair, before hoisting himself out of bed. He fumbled for his robe and slippers in the dark, shuffling along the floor to the door. He slowly opened the door, poking his head to look out the door toward Haru’s room. The door was ajar, but the lights were off. And Haru would never sleep with the door open.

Something fell to the ground, crashing against the ceramic tile, accompanied by a soft, but sharp, “Shit!”

Makoto turned his attention to the single bathroom that he and Haru shared at the end of the hallway. The door was shut, but light pooled out from the bottom of the floor, casting a deep shadow across the walls. “Haru…?” Makoto tapped the door softly with his knuckle. “Are you okay?”

“Don’t come in… Don’t come in… Don’t come in…” He heard Haru respond weakly. There were footsteps, and then he heard a thud against the door.

“Haru?!” Makoto repeated, more urgently this time. He jiggled the doorknob, trying to push the door open. But the door wouldn’t budge. Makoto realized Haru was leaning against the door, to prevent him from coming inside.

Makoto took a step back, weighing his options. It had been a while since this had happened. Makoto breathed deeply, before putting his own weight against the door. Ever since they had grown, Haru always seemed to forget Makoto was bigger than him.

Makoto managed to wedge himself through the door, squeezing into the small bathroom before closing the door behind him.

Haru had pressed himself into the corner behind the door, head buried in his knees that gathered at his chest. “I told… I told… I told… you not to come in.”

Makoto looked around. There were cleaning supplies scattered everywhere. More alarming that that, the ceramic soap dish that usually sat on the bathroom counter was shattered in pieces across the tiles. “Haru…” Makoto said quietly, squatting to be at eye level with his friend.

Haru shook his head, “Go away Makoto.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Makoto frowned, “Haru, let me see your hands.”

“No.”

“Haru, please.”

_“No.”_

Makoto reached for Haru’s arm, gently coaxing the smaller boy to open up his palm. “Haru you’re bleeding.”

“It’s fine. I’ll take care of it. Go away.”

Makoto sighed, rising from the floor. He tore a piece of paper towel from the holder beside the tooth brushes. “Were you cleaning the bathroom?” Makoto asked, running the paper towel under the faucet.

“… not important.”

“I think it’s important,” Makoto said, ringing out the paper towel. He bent down to Haru’s level again, cleaning out the cut on his hand. “Were you?”

Haru inhaled sharply as Makoto cleaned out the wound. “I w-wasn’t planning on doing the whole thing… Just the bathtub… Then… Then… Then…”

“Then you couldn’t help but do the rest of it?” Makoto asked, finishing his sentence. Haru flushed, unable to make eye contact with his best friend. He was embarrassed; filled with a burning, white-hot embarrassment. Makoto never spoke condescendingly, never judgementally; always gentle and sincere. But Haru couldn’t help but feel absolutely pathetic.

“Yeah,” he whispered softly, unable to hide the crack in his voice, as he swallowed the lump in his throat.

Makoto patted the back of his hand, before squeezing gently. “Okay,” he said, as Haru responded by holding tight to his hand, “Do you want me to help you clean?”

“That… That would be nice.”

“Okay.”

XxXxX

Haru was tired. He laid in bed for the next couple hours, tossing and turning, irritable and staring at the ceiling. Slowly, the sunlight began to bleed through the curtains. The room slowly melted into the morning light, illuminating the dark corners of the room. Haru sat up and stared at the clock. 

8 o’clock.

There were still 5 hours until he was supposed to meet Rei at the theatre. Haru pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache forming at the front of his skull.

The apartment was quiet. Haru padded quietly down the hallway toward the kitchen. Makoto’s door was shut, and Haru assumed he was still sleeping. They’d cleaned the bathroom for well over an hour, and Makoto didn’t complain once when Haru redid everything that the other had cleaned for him.

He poured himself a bowl of cereal, his stomach doing too many turns to even consider making his usual morning breakfast of mackerel and toast. As he sat at the kitchen table, he looked out the window over the other buildings, watching the sun protrude over the Tokyo skyline.

Was Rei awake yet?

Haru swallowed hard. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he was nervous. His hands were shaking so much, he could barely lift the spoon to his lips.

_It’s just a play._ Haru told himself, _I just have to sit and be quiet. If I can do that, it’ll be fine._

XxXxX

Rei tapped his fingers nervously against the table. Haru had agreed to meet him at the café beside the theatre at 1 o’clock. Rei checked his watch again. Just like the last time he’d checked, it was only 12:15.

He couldn’t help getting there early. He’d picked out his clothes the day before, hanging them on the back of his door. A pair of cleanly pressed khaki pants and a smart navy-blue button down. Things had to go perfectly today. It was quite possibly his only chance.

In the short time he’d known Haru, he knew he was a particular person. He liked things to be a particular way, executed the same way every time, and up to his standards. If today didn’t go well, Rei feared Haru would never go out with him again.

The barista at the register glanced at him again. At this point he’d been sitting and loitering for a solid 15 minutes. He ordered a chocolate croissant and macchiato, nibbling nervously between small sips. Ever since meeting Haru, no other macchiato compared. Perhaps it was the methodology behind Haru’s technique, or it was Haru himself.

Rei was halfway through the croissant when he noticed Haru through the window of the shop. It was nice to see him out of his uniform. He was wearing black jeans and a red long-sleeved shirt, decorated with little sailboats. Rei stood, planning to meet him at the door, before he noticed Haru wasn’t moving.

He was just standing, drumming his foot wildly against the sidewalk. His eyes were focused on the thin silver watch on his left wrist, as he mumbled to himself. Rei watched him, entranced by the movement of his lips and the rising and falling of his chest as he breathed.

The clock in the store chimed the coming of 1 o’clock. Haru’s head tilted up from focusing on his watch, looking at the store sign. His foot stopped tapping patterns into the concrete. He finally moved toward the front door of the shop.

Rei blinked, coming back into himself. He shook his head, moving toward the door to greet Haru.

“Hi Haru,” Rei said, extending a hand out to the other male. Haru stared, and Rei realized he had no idea what he planned to do. Did he go in for a hug? Was that too clingy? Did Haru like being touched?

A handshake? No… Too formal. What…

He found himself clapping Haru on the shoulder, who flinched at the sudden action. “H-hey,” Haru said, his voice deadpan and quiet.

Rei swallowed, trying to ease the thundering pulse that had crept into his throat. “L-let’s sit? The doors to the theatre don’t open for another 20 minutes.”

“… Okay,” Haru agreed, shoving his hands into his pockets. Rei led Haru to the table he had been sitting at.

“Do you want some?” Rei asked, sliding the half-finished croissant across the table. Haru stared blankly at it for a moment.

“Not hungry,” he replied, turning to look out the window.

“H-how has your day been so far?” Rei asked, pulling at the collar of his shirt.

“Fine,” Haru said, sinking back into the seat. “Boring. There’s nothing to do when I’m not working.”

Rei smiled, leaning forward. “W-well, it’s a good thing we’re seeing a play today then! It’ll be a lot of fun! I think you’ll really like it! I read some of the reviews for this particular production and they said that the girl who plays Blanche is really expressive, and basically steals the whole show and-”

Haru laughed, and Rei felt his face flush eagerly at the sound. He’d never heard Haru laugh before. In fact, he’d hardly heard Haru do anything, except mumble. “When you get excited you talk a lot,” Haru said. “It’s nice.”

This time it was Haru’s face that flushed, the apples of his cheeks filling with colour, as his eyes looked down at the table.

Rei felt a smile grow on his face. “Ah… I guess so. Do… Do I talk too much?”

Haru shook his head. “Not always.”

Rei took a heavy sip from his coffee, setting it down on the table. “Do… Do you want to head over to the theatre now?” He asked sheepishly.

“You’re not going to finish your croissant?” Haru asked, eyebrows raised quizzically.

The croissant was the last thing on Rei’s mind. He slid his hand across the table, palm turned toward the ceiling. “I would rather just go to the theatre and be with you.”

Haru coughed, turning his head to try and hide the blush that spread from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. “W-whatever,” he mumbled quietly. But he took his hand out of his pocket, tentatively placing it on top of Rei’s. “Let’s just go already.”

XxXxX

Haru felt like his head was reeling. He was so nervous, he didn’t know how to take air into his lungs. He really hoped Rei couldn’t tell how much he was shaking or thought that his hands were clammy.

They stood outside amongst the line of people that were also trying to get into the theatre. “Are you cold?” Rei asked, hesitantly giving Haru’s hand a squeeze.

Haru jumped, making a soft sound while shaking his head. “It’s fine.”

He scanned the words that had been slated into the display board of the theatre; reading them over once, twice, thrice, trying to steady his palpitating heartbeat.

_A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams: 2pm to 4pm._

Haru just had to last 2 hours in the theatre. He could do that. He had to.

The theatre doors opened up, and the line of people slowly began to file in. Haru swallowed, steeling himself as they entered the dimly lit room. It was a nice theatre. The seats were lined with velveteen red fabric. The balconies looked like they were casted with gold. The stage burst with hot white stage lights. Haru’s gaze fluttered nervously around the rows and rows of seats.

“Where are we sitting?” He asked Rei, who had let go of his hand to find the tickets in his wallet.

Rei looked at the ticket stubs, “Row 21, seats 25 and 26… It’ll be just this way.”

The two of them weaved through the crowd. “Here it is,” Rei said, excusing himself as he squeezed himself past a couple people who were already seated.

Haru hadn’t moved yet, standing lamely in the main aisle. “Are you coming?” Rei asked, as the other play goers tucked in their legs to make room for him.

Haru swallowed. “Do we have to sit here?” He asked grumpily, tripping over someone’s bag as he squeezed into the aisle with Rei. “Can’t we sit on the edge or something? It’ll be easier to get out at the end of the-”

“Don’t worry, the middle seats are always the best,” Rei said, reaching out for Haru’s hand and leading him to his seat. “You get the best view of centerstage!”

“I really don’t care about that,” Haru grumbled, though he took his seat, as there were other people trying to get past him. “There… There are a lot of people here.”

“It’s a really popular show,” Rei agreed, giving Haru a smile. “But I managed to get us such good seats! My professor knows a guy.”

“That’s nice,” Haru said, not really hearing what Rei was saying. He twisted to look at the people who continued to file into the room. He could hear people chattering happily, flipping through the program notes, giggling and snapping selfies together before the show started. It was all very loud.

“Hey, are you okay?” Rei asked, noticing that Haru wasn’t really paying attention. “Is something wrong?”

“What?” Haru replied absently, trying to focus on Rei. That’s right. He was here with Rei. All that mattered was Rei.

“You’re looking a little bit pale… Is everything alright?”

Haru felt like there was water logged in his ears. “It’s fine… I’m just gonna go to the bathroom really quickly before-”

As he spoke, the theatre lights began to dim. Rei squeezed his hand, pulling down for Haru to stay seated. “It’s just about to start, you should really stay. Can you wait until intermission? It’ll be in an hour or so.”

Haru felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Yeah, that’s fine,” he mumbled, contrary to how he was feeling.

A silenced hush fell over the crowds, as the overhead lights faded to black, submerging the audience in a thick darkness. The stage lights swirled, all setting to focus on the scenery and the characters that were coming out on stage.

Being surrounded by so many people. Being unable to get out. Being submerged in darkness. 

Haru felt like he was drowning.

He looked to his right, hoping to see Rei’s face. He was here for Rei. He promised he would come. For Rei.

But he couldn’t see Rei’s face in the darkness.

Haru felt a familiar wave of panic cresting in his stomach, threatening to explode within his body. His heart was already stuttering in his chest, as his lungs ached with the shallow breaths he sucked through his nose.

He had to get out. He had to get out. He had to get out.

The actress playing Stella began to speak, and at the same time, Haru jumped out of his seat. There were grumbles from people in the back, but Haru couldn’t hear them. “Haru? What are you doing?” Rei whispered sharply, holding firmly to his hand, trying to get him to sit down.

Haru ripped his arm away, feeling his breaths settle higher and higher until he felt like his shoulders were shattering with every breath he took. “I have to go.”

“What…” Rei stammered, the words falling dead in his mouth. The rumbling in the audience had begun to grow, uneased by the disturbance Haru and Rei were causing.

“I have to go!” Haru said, louder this time, beginning to trash his way out of the aisle. He surely had stepped on some people’s toes, judging by the sounds of outrage and displeasure that he was causing.

He stumbled out onto the main aisle, turning swiftly on his heel toward the exit.

He had to get out. He had to get out. He had to get out.

And then he just started to run. He slammed the doors open, squinting in the light. He didn’t bother to stop. Not when the security guards yelled a sharp, “Hey!” at him. Not at the employees that asked him not to run in the lobby. Not even when he heard Rei’s voice, crying out for him as he burst through the exit doors and onto the street.

“Haru, wait!” He could hear Rei, calling after him. Haru weaved through the crowd of people on the street. He wouldn’t stop. He plowed through the crowds, the displeasured cursing of those around him falling deafly on his ears.

He didn’t stop, couldn’t stop, running until he basically fell into the apartment. Makoto stood up from the kitchen table, knocking a chair backward onto the floor. “Haru?! What happened?!”

“I have to… I have to… I have to…” Haru felt like his head was about to explode. Each time he breathed burned in his lungs, as he tore through the hallway like a tornado, and scrambled into the bathroom. His shaky fingers pried open the cabinets under the sink as he started throwing all of the cleaning supplies out on the floor.

“Haru, Haru hey, it’s okay.”

He could feel Makoto’s arms wrapping around him, holding his hands, squeezing him until he was left shivering in his best friend’s arms. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Everything is okay.”

And then Haru started to cry. Tears of frustration, embarrassment, shame… They just came pouring out of his eyes, blurring everything into a mosaic of messy colours. “I can’t… I can’t… I can’t…”

“It’s okay,” Makoto repeated in his ear, over and over again. “It’s okay Haru.”

He had to get out. He had to get out. He had to get out.


	4. We All Fall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 3 days since the incident at the theatre. Rei hasn't heard from Haru at all. If only they could talk to each other and be honest about how they feel... Or will that all just blow up in their faces?

**Macchiatos, Fate, & Other Fatal Circumstances**

_Chapter 4: We All Fall Down_

Rei sat at the counter, running his hands along the embossed lettering on the cover of his novel. “What’re you reading?” Nagisa asked curiously, haphazardly wiping the steamer. Rei watched him, thinking about how Haru would run over each nozzle three times, tapping each button with the nail of his index finger.

“A play,” Rei murmured, slipping the book back into his bag. “ _The Glass Menagerie_ by Tennessee Williams.” 

“Eh… Isn’t that the same author that wrote the play you read to Haru-chan?”

Just hearing his name put a lump in Rei’s throat. He hadn’t heard from Haru at all. Every time he called there was no answer. He’d given up trying to leave voice mails. “Yeah…” Rei nodded, swallowing hard. “How… How is Haru anyway?”

Nagisa rung out the washcloth in the sink, tossing it into the drying rack. “I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him either. Kou-chan asked me to cover his shifts this week. She said he’s sick.”

Rei took off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose. This was all his fault. He was the one that invited Haru to the stupid play in the first place. Haru had made it very clear he didn’t want to go. Yet, Rei had forced him anyway. He should have seen the signs. Haru was distressed from the moment they got into the theatre. But Rei had been too focused on himself to notice.

He looked up at the clock on the wall again, which had yet to be fixed. The second hand quivered, as though trying to push through an invisible wall. How many walls did Haru have up that he hadn’t noticed? Every time Rei thought he got through, he’d find himself on the other side of another glass wall. He was always on the outside, looking in.

He turned his attention to his hand, trying to remember the way it had felt to hold Haru’s hand in his own. “If… If you see him around, let him know that he can call me.” Rei stood, sliding the chair back into place.

“Eh? You’re leaving?” Nagisa exclaimed.

Rei sighed tiredly, giving the young blonde a smile. “I’m feeling tired. I think I just want to go home.”

Nagisa’s eyes softened. “Okay,” he replied, waving at Rei as the door shut behind him.

XxXxX

“Haru… Haru are you awake?” His bedroom door creaked open, casting a slim band of light across the floor. Haru curled inward on himself, pulling the blankets over his head.

“Go away Makoto.”

“I’m not leaving,” Makoto insisted. Haru felt him sit at the foot of the bed, the frame groaning at the added weight. “Haru, you haven’t left your room in 3 days. Kou-san keeps calling, asking when you’re going to go back to work.”

“I don’t want to go back. Tell Kou that I quit.”

Makoto frowned. He lay down beside Haru, looking to the outline of his best friend beneath the blankets. He felt for Haru’s hand, squeezing reassuringly. “Everyone is worried about you, Haru. It’s not time to give up.” He paused, as though waiting for Haru to say something. When he didn’t, Makoto sighed, “Rei keeps calling you.”

Haru squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to think about Rei. He was embarrassed, and even more so, he was ashamed. How could he ever look at Rei again after what he did? He’d made a fool out of the both of them in front of hundreds of people. He didn’t know why Rei kept calling him in the first place.

After Makoto had finally dragged him out of the bathroom, he threw his phone onto the living room couch and refused to answer any of the calls he was getting. Makoto had called in sick for him, but Haru refused to let him answer any other calls.

“I don’t care,” Haru said, “He probably just wants to yell at me.”

Makoto peeled the blanket away from Haru’s face, staring at his best friend with that chastising look. Haru knew the one. The stern, “think about what you’re saying and be reasonable” face. “If he was really that mad at you, he would’ve stopped calling a long time ago. I think he wants to make sure you’re okay.”

“ _I don’t care_ ,” Haru repeated, bitterly this time. There was a deep silence.

“I think you do care,” Makoto said. He was never afraid to tell Haru the truth about how he was feeling, no matter how much Haru tried to deny it. They’d spent 19 years of their lives together. Hell, he wasn’t going to let this slide any longer. “You care about him and what he thinks of you. That’s why you’re upset. But things aren’t going to get better if you just lie here and feel sorry for yourself.”

The tension in the room hung heavily. Haru stared, his eyes a mix of vacant and furious, before softening. He ran his fingers through his limp hair, squeezing his eyes shut. “Shut up Makoto.”

“You just know I’m right.”

“I do. And I don’t want you to be.”

“Haru, you’ve made it through before, and you’ll make it through this. I promise,” Makoto said, getting up from the bed. He walked to the window, drawing the curtains to let all the sunlight in. “It’s a beautiful day outside, and you’re supposed to be working tonight. Call Kou-san. Tell her you’ll come in. Walk to work, ease yourself back in. It’s going to be okay.”

Haru sat up, hugging his knees to his chest. “I don’t think I can.”

“You’re a lot more resilient than you let on,” Makoto said, turning back to look at his friend. “Do you want me to walk you to work?”

The sunlight began to filter into Haru’s eyes, shimmering in the polished blue of his irises. “Will you stay for a little bit?”

Makoto nodded, “Of course.”

XxXxX

Makoto left by 8:30. The store was dead by 8, and Haru insisted he go home and study for his next midterm. By the time Makoto waved goodbye, the sun had already disappeared behind the buildings looming over the district.

Haru was finally alone. In the past few days, it had felt like the world was slowly caving in on him. But now, it was quiet. And he was alone, wiping the steamers off, rinsing the wash cloth, washing the dishes. 

A fortress of solitude.

He hadn’t wanted to leave the house, but now that he was here, all he wanted was to finish the job he’d started.

Then, at half past 10, the door chimed.

Haru looked up, wiping his hands on his apron. Rei was standing at the door. He was bundled up in a slim black jacket, a red scarf tucked under his chin. It matched the shade of his glasses, that framed those beautiful violet eyes of his. Haru stood behind the counter, dumbstruck for a second.

It felt like a mirage. The clock kept ticking, but the time didn’t change. He really should’ve mentioned it to Kou.

“Haruka,” Rei said, walking up to the counter. “You’re here.”

Haru blinked, tearing his eyes away from the young man standing on the other side of the register. “Why are you here?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I walk by here all the time,” Rei replied, setting his bag down on the floor. “I thought Nagisa-kun was covering for you this week.”

Haru’s lips quivered for a moment, settling into a frown. “He was supposed to. But I called and said I could come in.” He glanced at the silver watch on his wrist. 10:15pm. “It’s not 9:30.”

Rei’s eyebrows furrowed, staring peculiarly at Haru’s face. He moved from the register to sit at the bar stools, watching Haru’s eyes follow him. “I was doing some reading at the library and lost track of time.”

Haru sighed irritably, picking up the washcloth from the drying rack and began wiping down the steamers. He didn’t say anything, but Rei knew. Just from the way everything was placed, he knew Haru had already begun closing, and it seemed that he was doing it all over again.

“Haru, what are you doing?” Rei asked. The question hung in the air, like laundry on a clothes line, stifled in summer heat.

“I’m cleaning,” Haru replied, pausing for a moment. He held the wash cloth in his hand, squeezing three times before he started again.

Rei continued to watch, watched how Haru’s shoulders hunched forward, watched how the rise and fall of his chest quickened. “Haru,” He said again, “What is going on?”

“It’s not 9:30,” Haru said, frustration seeping into his tone. He murmured to himself absently, hands working over the steamer, wiping them off again, this time more hastily. “It’s not-”

“Haru,” Rei’s voice pierced the otherwise silent store. He watched Haru’s hands stutter, squeezing three times. Three, two, one.

Haru inhaled deeply, his whole body shaking as he did so. “Stop talking,” He grumbled, wiping the sweat that had begun forming over his brow with the back of his hand. “Stop talking.”

The gears in Rei’s mind kept turning. He watched Haru’s hands, trembling and shaking, as Haru attempted to start over. His breath had grown ragged, and his face had lost all colour. It was just like the afternoon in the theatre. Like Haru wasn’t there, like his head was floating in a storm of clouds, and his body was moving all on its own.

“Haru, listen-”

“Stop talking!” Haru finally snapped, jolting violently, staring incredulously at Rei. His eyes were wide, ocean blue irises swimming. “Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking…” Haru blinked wildly, obviously in distress. “Just shut up!”

There was a pause. Rei took a deep breath. “Haruka, have you ever told anyone about your habits?” He reached over the counter, grabbing onto Haru’s arm. Rei pulled the wash cloth from Haru’s hand, watching as Haru’s body seemed to collapse in on itself.

“Stop…” Haru stammered, like a deer caught in headlights. He tried to squirm away, but Rei held his wrist tightly. “Stop! Give… Give it back!”

“Your behaviour… Ever since we met, I’ve observed you. At first, I thought you were just particular, but this…” He threw the wash cloth onto the floor, on the other side of the counter. His eyes locked with Haru’s, who’s gaze followed the cloth to the ground. “You don’t do everything three times because you want to. You don’t have a particular way of cleaning because you want to. None of this is what you want. You just can’t help it.”

Haru’s head turned, looking at Rei. For a moment, Rei saw a flash of fear shatter deep within his stoic eyes. His breath caught in his throat. From his grip on Haru’s wrist, Rei could feel Haru’s pulse thundering. “You…” Haru backed away, ripping his arm from Rei’s grasp. Haru stumbled backward, his lower back colliding with the back counter. “You think you know everything!”

Rei flinched, falling back into his seat on the bar stool. It was like Haru’s eyes were burning. His eyes, the colour of the sea, were lit like fire. “You don’t know anything about me!” Haru lashed out. “You act like you’ve known me my whole life, but you haven’t.

You came into the store. You talked to me. You made me to listen to you read. You forced me to go to a stupid play I didn’t want to see. And you think you know anything about me? You think that by watching me work you can learn a single thing about me? You’re the one who sticks your face into other people’s business! You’re just a costumer. You’re just a stranger. You don’t know _anything_ about me!” 

Haru crumpled in on himself, looking desperately at Rei for him to say something. The other sat in the chair, mouth open as though he had something to say but it wouldn’t come out. “You just don’t get it do you?” Rei asked finally, the creases around the corners of his eyes deep with sadness. “I did all those things because of you. Because _I like you_.” Rei ran his fingers through his hair, blinking in disbelief, gaze fluttering before landing directly on Haru. “You think that the first time I came in here I just started talking to you for no reason? Haru, I’ve been watching you. I pass by this place all the time on my way home. I noticed you from the moment you started working here. I just didn’t have the courage to come in and talk to you.

That first day? I had been thinking about it all day. What was I going to say to you? What were you going to think of me? And god, up close you were so perfect. You were like an angel, and everything I wanted to say just disappeared. So yes, I asked if I could read to you. I had no words of my own to say. I invited you to the play because I wanted to know you. I wanted to know you past the words someone else wrote. I wanted you to know _me_.”

Haru flinched, biting down on his lip. “I-”

“But I can never get to know you, can I?” Rei’s voice was desperate, aching as the tears made his eyes gloss over. “You’ll never let me get to know you. Every time I think you’ve let me in, I find myself just staring at another wall.” He rose from his chair, “And if I can never get to know you, how can I ever expect you to know me?” Rei gathered his bag. “So yes, I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. But not because I don’t want to. If you didn’t want me to, you should have just said so.”

Haru tried to move, tried to take a step forward, but he was frozen. His feet were bolted into the ground. “R-Rei… Wait…” He croaked, reaching a hand out, as though to hold onto Rei before he slipped right out of his fingers.

“Forget it Haru, forget everything. Just…” Rei squeezed the handle of his bag tightly, “Forget it.” Rei walked briskly to the door, throwing it open. The door bells jangled overhead, and the door slammed shut behind him. The clattering echoed in the empty store.

Haru felt his legs give out, as he stumbled to the ground. He pulled his knees to his chest, as sobs wracked his entire body. 

Haru was finally alone. It was quiet. 

His own fortress of solitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of the story! Only 2 chapters left!
> 
> What will become of Haru and Rei??


	5. Shatter the Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a week since Haru and Rei's confrontation in the coffee shop.
> 
> As Rei begins to learn, there is a lot about Haru that he can't have possibly known just by looking at him...

**Macchiatos, Fate, & Other Fatal Circumstances**

_Chapter 5: Shatter the Glass_

_One, two, three._

_Haru counted the tiles beneath his feet, relishing in the cold porcelain against his calloused skin._

_One, two, three._

_The floor was slick, stinging with the fresh punch of chlorine. He could hear the dull roar of the crowd, growing louder with each step forward. It reverberated deep in the cavity of his chest, drumming patterns against his heart. He sucked in a deep breath._

_One, two, three._

_His lungs felt like they were aching, but he hadn’t even started yet. The light shone bright overhead, catching the shimmering surface of the water like raindrops in the sun. Haru shielded his eyes against the open glass ceiling._

_Haru shed his jacket, depositing it in the box behind the starting block. He rocked on the balls of his feet for a moment, sucking in a deep breath._

_One, two, three._

_They would not conquer him today. Today was his day. He snapped his goggles onto his head, stretching the back band, as he had once watched another swimmer do. When he climbed onto the starting block, he felt clunky and disoriented._

_His eyes peered down at the water, a place of sanctuary and haven. The deep blue whispered sweetly into his ears, like the enticing plea of a vice. Haru shivered in anticipation._

_“Take your marks.”_

_Everything was perfect. The bend of his knees, the arch of his back, the balance on his toes. He heard the starting gun go off._

_Then nothing._

XxXxX

It had been a week since then. Rei sighed heavily, stirring his soup absently, as Rin slurped loudly beside him. “That’s not beautiful,” Rei mused, looking to Rin with a sour look on his face.

Rin rolled his eyes, pointing his spoon accusingly at Rei. “Who are you, my mom?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Rei shut his textbook, putting it away into his bag. “At least put away your things before you start eating.”

Rin shrugged, wiping at his face with a paper napkin. “You’re the one who likes studying in food places,” he argued, crumpling the tissue and tossing it onto the counter. Rin brushed the eraser shavings off his notebook, shoving it back into his bag.

Once they’d cleared their table space, Rei spread a napkin over his lap and set another down on the table for him to put his spoon. Rin watched him, continuing to slurp at his soup. “So, while we’re not studying… What happened with you and coffee dude?”

Rei cleared his throat, “Do we really have to talk about this now?”

“Of course we do? You talk about this guy all the time, and all of a sudden, you’re silent. Something obviously happened.”

Rei frowned, wishing he could just study and eat dinner in peace. “We just… Had a dispute. It’s fine. We’re not talking to each other anymore.”

Rin pulled more napkins from the napkin dispenser, wading them up into balls as he wiped his mouth. “What happened?”

“It’s complicated,” Rei replied, taking a tentative sip from his own soup. Too hot. “It’s… hard to explain.”

“It’s not like I don’t have the time,” Rin shrugged, “We’ve been friends for years. If you were wasting my time, I would have told you by now.”

To that, Rei allowed himself to laugh, if only just a little. “Our date went fine, for a little while at least,” Rei confessed, stirring his soup. “And then it just wasn’t.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know what happened,” Rei said, taking the time to blow gently at the soup before sipping it. “When we got to the theatre… He just lost it. The lights went down and he just… Bolted. He didn’t give me an explanation or anything. He just ran and wouldn’t stop. Eventually, I just couldn’t keep up and let him go.”

“This is why you shouldn’t have quit track after high school,” Rin joked, jabbing Rei in the side.

“I’m being serious here!” Rei scolded, shoving the other by the shoulder. “It was like he was a completely different person. Like he wasn’t really… there. I saw him at the coffee shop a few days later and wanted to ask him about it.”

“Did he tell you why he ran off?”

Rei shook his head, “If anything, the whole interaction made everything worse. I tried to confront him, and it happened again. This glassy look takes over his eyes, and he just starts doing the strangest things.” Rei looked at the palm of his hand, thinking about how warm and tender Haru’s touches had been. “Like something just takes over inside him that he can’t control.” He shut his eyes, thinking about the pain and distress flashing hotly in Haru’s eyes. “When I asked him about it, he snapped. We both said things that I don’t think we meant but… I don’t think we’re going to be seeing each other anymore.”

Rin picked up his bowl, tilting it back to drink the last of the soup broth. “So you and coffee dude are no more I guess?”

Rei tiredly ran his fingers through his hair. “I guess so…” There was a moment of pause between the two before Rei asked, “Why don’t you ever call him by name?”

Rin shrugged, “I don’t know. You’ve never told me it. Just that he’s a guy that works at my sister’s coffee shop.”

Rei smiled fondly, his eyes twinkling with a sprinkle of melancholy. “His name is a lot like yours actually, a girly name for a guy.”

“Watch it.”

Rei laughed, “His name is Haruka. It reminds me of the cherry blossoms in spring. His eyes are like the ocean in the cool morning air.” Haru would have loved to visit the cherry blossoms, Rei thought. Perhaps Haru had lived his whole life in Tokyo and had never gotten to see a full cherry blossom garden. Or maybe he was from an obscure town full of them. Had Haru ever seen the ocean? There was so much Rei didn’t know about him, and despite everything that had happened, he craved more. He wanted to know who Haru was behind the distorted glass walls.

Rei turned to Rin, who looked like he was deep in thought. “You trying to wrap your head around the idea of another guy with a girly name?” He joked, nudging Rin in the side.

Rin moved away, eyes still vacant and tracing his train of thought. “No it’s not that… Just the way you described him… Blue eyes like the ocean… The name Haruka… I feel like I know who this is.”

Rei scoffed, shrugging his shoulders. “I doubt it. He’s just a guy that works at a coffee shop. He told me he wasn’t enrolled in university. The probability that you’ve met him in a city as vast as Tokyo is highly unlike-”

Rin clapped his hands together suddenly, the sound piercing through Rei’s thoughts like the shrill clap of a cymbal. “I remember. Nanase Haruka from the Hidaka swim team.”

Rei let the information sink into his head, before bursting into a fit of giggles. “What are you talking about?” He said dismissively, with the wave of his hand. “That can’t be. Haru isn’t even registered in university, that can’t be him.”

But Rin didn’t listen. “He’s a pretty decent sized guy, isn’t he? Black hair and blank blue eyes?”

Rei could feel an unsettling feeling of unease building in the pit of his stomach. “How do you know that?”

XxXxX

_Haru screamed. Yet, the water swallowed the sound whole. It was just him and the water, submerged in darkness that began feasting on his limbs. He couldn’t feel his legs, his fingers, his arms. The water was a monster, baring its blood thirsty fangs in a way he had never seen before._

_He had been able to speak with the water before; be united with it. But this was different. He felt like he was being buried alive._

_He screamed and screamed and screamed, but nobody could hear him. His chest felt tight, his lungs burning as the corners of his vision began to sprout fireworks of painful colours and blurred shadows._

_Haru’s back collided with the cold, unforgiving tiles of the pool deck. The strong arms around his torso released him, turning him onto his side as he vomited water that had become trapped in his throat._

Someone… Anybody…

Save me.

XxXxX

_“Haru-chan, are you coming?” Makoto’s voice tickled his ears, staring at him with innocently wide emerald eyes. “Coach Sasabe said it’s bad if we’re late for swim time.”_

_Haru nodded wordlessly, tracing the metal locker with his index finger. He felt for the dents, pausing at each one._

_One, two, three._

_“I’ll be there in a minute,” Haru replied, eyes focused on the locker in front of him._

_“Okay, my mom said she’s going to watch us during lessons today… So make sure you come out soon!”_

_Haru knew Makoto was gone when the slamming door echoed in the locker room. Finally, he was all alone. He ran his thumb over the largest dent on the locker, focusing on the way the smooth metal felt against then pads of his finger._

_One, two, three._

_With a deep breath, Haru thumbed at the door more anxiously._

_One, two, three._

_Death. Dying. Drowning._

_Drowning. Drowning. Drowning._

_His eyes snapped open, as his throat closed in on itself. Haru coughed, trying to steady his breathing, hands clutched to his chest._

_This had been happening more and more lately._

_When he was 4, his mother taught him to swim. That was the happiest day of his life. He still remembered how she sat him at the edge of the pool and encouraged him to dip his toes in the water. His dad had blown up his little water wings and helped him pick out his favourite swimsuit at the local clothing store._

_He’d fallen in love with swimming from the start._

_By the time he was 6, he was swimming in a club with Makoto._

_By the time they were 8, he was winning medals at their tournaments._

_By the time he was 10, they started happening._

_These thoughts would just ring in his head, vibrating like the steady smashing of a gong, rippling through his skull. A sudden fear, a sudden paralyzing jolt. It felt like the painful shadow of death creeped over his shoulders, like it was about to strangle him._

_And it would only ever happen when he was swimming._

_He would look at the water, his most precious thing, and feel terrified. He feared one day, the water would reach out and drown him._

_But Haru had his ways. Every day before swim practice, he found tracing out the dents and scratches of his locker made him feel better. One, two, three strokes to each dent. One, two, three breaths. Then, he would feel normal again._

_Haru inhaled heavily, letting himself fall back onto the bench. He stared at the locker door and then at his shaking hands._

_I’m normal. I’m normal. I’m normal. Haru thought to himself. He squeezed his hands tightly, reaching out to touch one more time. Just one more time. One more time._

_“Haru-chan, hurry up!” Makoto’s voice echoed from the pool deck, as he propped the door open._

_Haru flinched, agitatedly staring at his hands._

__I don’t need to. I don’t need to. I don’t need to.

Not now. Not now. Not now.

XxXxX

“It was the regional tournament last year… You know the one I was freaked out about last spring?” Rin asked. By now, both himself and Rei had finished their soup, and all that remained were the empty bowls on the counter. 

Rei fidgeted uncomfortably, thumbing the rim of the bowl anxiously. “Y-yeah… You said I couldn’t come to Tokyo unless you placed or else it would be too embarrassing to see me.”

Rin’s eyebrow twitched in mild annoyance, but he ignored the comment. “That year, everyone was talking about Nanase Haruka. He was a _monster_.” There was a pause. “Not that he was rude or terrifying or anything,” Rin backpedaled. “It was more… His swimming felt beyond human capability. He was so talented, everyone was scared to compete with him.”

Yet, when Rei looked at Rin’s face, he could see nothing but competitive flames burning in his eyes. “But… I was ready to race him. I wanted to race someone who had the potential to scare the shit out of me.” Rin grinned, bearing his sharp teeth. “He got placed in the same heat as me for the 100-meter freestyle; the lane right beside mine.”

Rei remembered how important that race was for Rin. It was all he talked about for the weeks leading up to it. Rei had wanted to catch it on television, but he had gotten held up at the train station and was unable to watch. “There was something wrong with him though. He didn’t seem like himself,” Rin continued, “It’s like you said, he wasn’t really there. It was like his mind was floating somewhere else.”

_“Take your marks.”_

_Beside him, Rin watched Haru crouch on the starting block in the ready position. His body was trembling under the pressure of shallow breaths. His blue eyes focused on the deep blue water beneath them. Rin had never seen anyone look so ragged in his life._

_The starting gun went off and he kicked from the starting block. He could feel Haru match him, diving with an almost flawless start. There was grace in the way he moved. Everyone talked about it. Nanase Haruka was like a dolphin. Every move he made was a calculated dance, the leaps of a dolphin._

_But something happened. Haru dove seamlessly in the water, but he didn’t come up._

_Whistle started screeching. Times were stopped. Rin grappled for the lane dividers as horrified onlookers were gasping and murmuring as the lifeguard plunged into the pool._

“When we dived in it was like… He didn’t know how to swim. He was frozen. And he just… drowned.”

There was a painful silence. Rin cleared his throat. “A lifeguard pulled him out and the EMS team carried him away. But no one saw him after that. He dropped out of school and no one has heard from him since. To think he’s the guy my sister hired…” Rin ran his fingers through his hair, turning to look at Rei.

Rei’s face was white, his hands cold and clammy, his pulse thready and erratic. “I…” It occurred to him again and again that he didn’t know anything about Haru at all. He didn’t know that had happened. He didn’t know why that had happened. Hell, he didn’t even know that Haru was a swimmer.

“Why… Why did that happen?” Rei asked lamely, searching Rin’s face for the answers. But Rin’s solemn expression came up short.

“I don’t know. He wouldn’t talk to anyone. After the whole thing he packed up and walked away.”

Rei thought back to what Haru had said. There was so much more to him than what Rei could only notice from watching him. And Rei was beginning to feel terrible.

Rei stood up from his seat, searching his wallet for a couple of bills. “Where are you going?” Rin asked, “We’re not done studying yet-”

Rei tossed money at the counter. “I have to find Haru. I have to apologize.”

“What?” Rin said confusedly, as Rei began to pack his bag and zip up his coat. “Wait… Where are you going to find him?”

“I’m going to the coffee shop,” Rei slung his bag over his shoulder. “I have to make things right.”

XxXxX

“He’s not here.”

Kou plucked a cup from the register, writing down the instruction for a macchiato and passing it over to Nagisa. “Haru hasn’t come to work since last week. I thought he was finally ready to come back to work but then something must have happened during his shift because he called me the next day saying he didn’t want to work here anymore.”

Rei’s expression fell, as he fished out the money for his drink. “Have you heard from him since then? Anything? Did he say if he was going somewhere? If he was okay?” So many questions ran through Rei’s head. Did Haru live alone? Did he have someone taking care of him?

Nagisa dropped Rei’s drink off at the register and Kou handed it to him. “I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything to me. He’s welcome to come back when he’s ready, but for right now, he doesn’t work here.”

Rei took his drink, sipping slowly. There would never be coffee quite like Haru’s. Whether that be because of his excessive attention to detail, or just by being him, didn’t matter. “Thank you for your help,” Rei said.

Kou looked at him, a sad glimmer in her eyes. “Good luck Rei-kun.”

The walk home was hollow. With each step Rei took, he felt worse. Haru had disappeared into the wind again, just as he had last year. Something big happened and he ran. Last year it had been swimming. This year… Had it been because of him?

Rei shook his head, not wanting to think about that.

Haru was probably better off without him. He didn’t need someone like Rei meddling in his life and making whatever he had going for him even worse than it had been before. Rei entered his apartment building, turning down the left hallway toward his apartment.

He stopped halfway down the hall, noticing a figure sitting propped against his door. They had a big blue scarf wrapped around their neck, body swimming in a large black jacket. Their jet black hair stuck out in tufts on the top of their head, as though they had just taken off a wool hat. Rei felt his mouth run dry.

“H-Haru?”

Haru scrambled to his feet, looking at Rei. His face was pale, yet flushed in the apples of his cheeks. “What are you doing here?” Rei asked, not daring to take a step forward.

He was tired of running. Tired of running from what they were; what they could be. But he felt if he moved, Haru would slip right through his fingers again. 

Haru took a deep breath, unwinding his scarf from his neck. “I owe you an explanation,” he said quietly.

Haru shifted his feet uncomfortably, looking down at the ground.

“Can I come inside?”


	6. I See You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because when everything is out in the open, things either completely fall apart or finally fall into place.

**Macchiatos, Fate, & Other Fatal Circumstances**

_Chapter 6: I See You_

There was an awkward pause. Haru tapped his foot anxiously against the thin faded carpet covering the hallway floor. Rei shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, fishing out his keys. “Of course,” Rei said quietly, unlocking the door.

The apartment was dark, the sun having sunk below the horizon hours ago. Rei wondered, how long had Haru been waiting at his door? He had to have left his apartment hours ago. Speaking of Haru, he silently took off his shoes, setting them on the mat to the left. Rei watched him close the door and lock it, sliding the door chain into place.

Rei himself had never bothered to use it, figuring the lock on the door knob was good enough security. Yet, he watched perplexedly as Haru checked both locking mechanisms again, jiggling the door knob three times before he finally turned around.

“Uh… You can give me your coat. Make yourself comfortable.” Rei said awkwardly, taking off his coat. Haru also shed his jacket, tucking his scarf into the left sleeve and handing it to Rei.

“I guess… I’ll sit in the living room?” Haru asked.

“Yeah sure,” Rei stumbled through his words, feeling like someone had tied his tongue into a knot. “Tea?” Haru blinked once, staring peculiarly at him. “I-I mean, do you want tea? I have green tea, black tea, or-”

“Any is fine,” Haru said, stuffing his hands into his pockets and moving toward the living room. “Thank you though.”

Rei nodded, escaping into the kitchen. As he filled the tea pot with water, he wondered what on Earth Haru was going to tell him. An explanation he said… Of what? Why he ran out of the theatre? Why he was upset in the coffee shop? Why his mannerisms were the way they were? Rei tried to go each question logically in his head but came up empty. For once in his life, he couldn’t think up any theories to explain someone’s behaviour.

The whistling kettle brought him out of his spiral of thoughts. He poured two cups of tea, balancing them on a tray with a small box of tea biscuits. When he entered the living room, Haru was sitting on the couch in front of the coffee table, one leg tucked underneath him.

Rei handed him a cup, which he took gratefully with a nod. “S-so…” Rei said, sitting on the other end of the couch. He took his own cup, turning it nervously in his hand.

Haru took a sip of his tea before setting his cup down on the coffee table. He wrung his hangs anxiously, lips moving quietly in a soft murmur. Haru took a deep breath, “I-I guess… I should explain what happened at the theatre.”

“You don’t… You don’t owe me anything. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. I was out of line.”

Haru stared, his expression rather mute and void. “It’s okay. What I said to you wasn’t very nice either. I want to tell you.” He leaned back, sinking into the couch cushions. “You’re right about me. I know the things I do are weird. I’m weird.”

“You’re not-”

Haru laughed gently under his breath, “It’s okay. I’m used to it.”

Rei shut his mouth, sipping his tea. He was at a loss for words, but it seemed that Haru was finally ready to talk.

“Since I was little, I’ve been… different,” Haru started, rubbing his palms anxiously against his jeans. “When I was 10 I started having these… thoughts. Quiet little thoughts, like there was a fly buzzing by my ear. And I only ever heard them when I was swimming.” He paused, retracing his steps, “I’ve been swimming since I was like 4 years old. I was in a swim club with my best friend. By the time I was 10, I was winning all sorts of medals and trophies, but none of that mattered to me. I just liked being in the water.

But then, when I got older, these thoughts just kept coming into my head. It always happened when I was completely submerged in the water. It would be like a flash. Something that made my heart stutter for just a second. I thought I was going to drown.”

Haru laughed, though it was somehow filled with pain and emptiness, despite the somewhat whimsical expression on his face. “How strange is that? Being a talented swimmer, but having impulsive thoughts of drowning and dying? At first, I thought I could ignore it. I would just keep swimming and tell myself not to think about it. I didn’t tell anyone because I was embarrassed. I didn’t think anyone would understand.

But it just kept getting worse. My swimming coach started telling me my swimming had changed. My best friend kept asking me if I was okay. I was getting to a point where I couldn’t hide it anymore… And I was so scared.”

Haru faltered on the last few words, seeming to swallow the lump forming in the back of his throat. Rei stiffly laid a hand on Haru’s knee, squeezing comfortingly. “Hey… It’s okay,” He whispered gently. Obviously, the topic was upsetting for Haru to talk about. “You don’t have to force yourself. It’s okay to stop. You don’t need to say any more.”

Haru shook his head, “No… I’m… I’m okay.” He took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut. Rei watched him go through a routine he had seen him do many times, squeeze his hands tightly and count to three with each squeeze. Haru exhaled shakily, running a hand through his hair. “But… I noticed something that helped. There were these lockers that we each had to store our stuff while we were at swim club. Mine had all the dents and scratches it from years before. I would just trace them with my fingers and count them. If I did that… I wasn’t as scared anymore. If I could just count them before going to the pool, I could swim.”

Haru swallowed thickly. Rei could feel the muscles in his legs tensing underneath the hand that rubbed softly at the other’s knee. “And then the thoughts… They… started following me everywhere. It wasn’t just when I was swimming. It was all the time.”

XxXxX

_“Haru-chan, Haru-chan!”_

_Haru jumped when Makoto clapped him on the shoulder, wrapping his best friend in a hug. Haru squirmed uncomfortably, squeezing out from his friend’s grasp. “What?”_

_“Did you see that movie on TV last night? My mom let me stay up 15 minutes past my bed time so I could see it! I wish you could have watched it with me. I know if Ran and Ren could’ve stayed up they would have loved it too…”_

_The two boys walked together toward their shoe lockers, changing into their outdoor shoes before walking home. The sky was dark, shielded by rain clouds. Makoto looked up, feeling a drop of rain land on his cheek. “Eh… I didn’t know it was supposed to rain… I didn’t bring an umbrella. Did you Haru-chan?”_

_“Didn’t think I’d need one,” Haru said sharply, pulling the hood of his sweater over his head. “Let’s just get home before it really starts raining.”_

_As the two boys started walking, thunder rumbled from up above. Makoto squeaked, holding on to Haru’s arm. “Haru-chan did you hear that?” Makoto looked at Haru’s face, “Haru-chan… You look kind of pale… Are you sick?”_

_Haru, meanwhile, wasn’t really paying attention. He hated when it was cloudy. When he couldn’t see the sky, he felt like he was trapped. The world seemed to be shrinking around him. Without the light of the sun, it felt like he was drowning._

_The thoughts in his head weren’t helping. On days like today, they would get louder, and hard to ignore._

_Death. Dying. Drowning._

_Drowning. Drowning. Drowning._

_Haru tried to take a deep breath, picturing the locker in the Iwatobi swim club. He thought about his fingers running along each dent in the metal._

_One. Two. Thr-_

_“Haru-chan, are you listening to me?” Makoto interrupted, squeezing Haru’s shoulder and jolting him back into the present. Stunned, and a bit disoriented, Haru shied away from Makoto’s touch._

_“I told you to stop calling me Haru-chan,” Haru replied grumpily, shoving his hands into his sweater pockets._

_Makoto’s face fell, before flushing. “But Haru-chan…” He whined, as Haru sped up, leaving him behind._

_All Haru could think about was wanting to go home. He wanted to be at home, where he didn’t have to look at the sky, and could lie under the covers and think in peace._

_One. Two. Thr-_

_“Haru-chan!” Makoto yelped insistently, grabbing onto the other and pulling him backward. A car in the street rushed past the two of them, “Mou, Haru-chan you have to be careful. Are you even paying attention?”_

_By now, Haru felt like he couldn’t breathe. Makoto kept talking, but he couldn’t hear. All he could do was keep walking. But Makoto wouldn’t let go of him. He held firmly to the bend in Haru’s arm, jabbering on and on in Haru’s ear, even if Haru wasn’t listening._

_Thunder boomed overhead, causing both boys to flinch. Haru felt like his ears were ringing._

_Death. Dying. Drowning._

_Drowning. Drowning. Drowning._

_One. Two. Thr-_

_Another clap of thunder interrupted, followed by a flash of lighting that cause Makoto to cry out in fear. “Haru-chan! Let’s go home already!” Makoto insisted, despite the fact that Haru was already basically dragging him home by how fast he was walking._

_But Haru wasn’t listening._

_Death. Dying. Drowning._

_Drowning. Drowning. Drowning._

_One. Two. Thr-_

_Another clap of thunder. Haru’s eyes shifted upward to the darkened sky. There was nothing but clouds, and suddenly it felt like the sky was falling. Rain fell in sheets, drenching the two boys. The water ran down his face, down his neck, soaking his clothes and chilling Haru to the bone._

_Drowning. Drowning. Drowning._

_I’m going to die._

_Haru’s pulse quickened as he started running. He didn’t care about Makoto. He didn’t care about his friend screaming at him to wait. He didn’t care about the streets he was running through. All he knew was he had to get out._

_Now._

_Drowning. Drowning. Drowning._

_I’m going to die._

XxXxX

“I would just picture the locker door,” Haru said, tracing the lines of his palms with his index finger, as though demonstrating. “But… If something interrupted me, I would get this overwhelming feeling of panic. It wouldn’t work unless I saw it through. It wouldn’t work until it felt right. So I would do it in my head over and over again. Eventually, the locker door disappeared. I was just counting to myself in my head, one, two, three.”

Haru leaned back, tilting his head to look at the ceiling. Rei sipped his tea, moving his hand from Haru’s knee. He was surprised when Haru put a hand on top of his, holding his hand there. The warmth of his skin reminded Rei so much of the first half of their date. Before everything became so complicated.

“After a while, the counting wasn’t enough. Everything I did had to be in intervals of three too. I would wash my hands three times because the first two times didn’t feel right. I would check the locks three times an hour. I was getting to a point where I couldn’t function anymore. But I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t know what to say. All I did was keep counting, keep swimming, keep existing. It didn’t really feel like I was living.”

Haru looked at Rei, searching his face. “You know, don’t you? I can see it on your face.”

Rei blinked in surprise, “I’m… I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

“About last spring. The spring tournament. You found out about it.”

Haru’s face wasn’t angry. If anything, he looked relieved. The tension melted away with the lines of his forehead, as he relaxed his brows. “Yeah,” Rei confessed, gently squeezing Haru’s knee. “A friend of mine told me about it.”

“For all my life, I thought I could just keep counting and things would get better,” Haru closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Whenever I was scared or anxious, if I could count to three, I’d feel better. And then that day… No matter how hard I tried. No matter how many times I ran through the numbers in my head. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. When I dove into the pool, I froze. And I started drowning. It was like all those thoughts were leading up to that moment, and they’d finally caught me.”

XxXxX

_They took him to the hospital for observation. Makoto met him there, fretting as usual, cupping his hands around Haru’s face._

_“Haru-chan, what happened?” He wailed, throwing his arms around his friend’s shoulders. “I was so scared! I thought you were dying!”_

_Haru didn’t know what to say, but clung on to Makoto. “I don’t know,” He admitted, “It was scary.”_

_Makoto pulled away, sympathy glimmering in those emerald eyes. He sat down on the chair beside the bed. “Maybe the doctors can tell us something,” Makoto said, hands fidgeting in his lap. He seemed to be trying to assure himself more so than comfort Haru._

_Haru looked vaguely out the window, “Maybe.” He tapped his fingers absently against the scratchy hospital sheets. Away from the water, he still feared it would take him. Maybe he had water in his lungs and he’d drown in his sleep._

_One. Two. Three._

_One. Two. Three._

_One. Two. Three._

_A doctor knocked twice before opening the door to the room. Haru scowled. He hated when people only knocked twice. He wished they’d do it three times or not at all._

_“Hello Nanase-san, I’m Dr. Shinkai.” Haru had seen his fair share of doctors in his life, though he’d never seen one with such warm eyes. Dr. Shinkai had golden eyes the flickered like embers, with chestnut hair swept over his forehead. Haru imagined that’s what Makoto would feel like if he were to be a doctor._

_“Ah, Dr. Shinkai, hello,” Makoto said bashfully, elbowing Haru to acknowledge the doctor._

_“Hi,” Haru said plainly._

_“How are you feeling?” Dr. Shinkai asked, coming forward to listen to Haru’s heart and lungs._

_“I’m fine,” Haru said, agitated whilst the doctor touched him. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”_

_Dr. Shinkai looked at him peculiarly, before focusing on listening to his chest. “You have clear breath sounds. I believe your lungs are water free.” Yet, he pulled up a chair on the other side of Haru’s bed. “Say, Nanase-san, you’re quite an accomplished swimmer. Can you explain what caused you to drown? Were you dizzy? Did you lose consciousness?”_

_Haru shook his head embarrassedly. He’d never talked about the thoughts that crowded his head. He wasn’t about to start now. Especially not with Makoto clinging on to every word he said._

_“I don’t know why it happened, it just did,” Haru replied bluntly, tapping his fingers against the sheets. “It just did.” He hesitated, trying to hold his tongue, but he couldn’t. “I just did.”  
A metaphorical lightbulb seemed to appear over the doctor’s head, before he cleared his throat. He looked at Makoto, lips turning up in a smile, but eyes staying still and unwavering. _

_“Can I have the room?” Dr. Shinkai asked._

_“Ah, of course. Excuse me,” Makoto stood up, giving a quick nod. When the door closed behind him, the doctor reached for Haru’s fidgeting hands. “Nanase-san, can I ask you a question?”_

_“… What is it?” Haru asked irritably._

_“Do you do everything in threes?”_

XxXxX

“The doctor,” Haru hesitated for a moment. Rei moved his hand from under Haru’s to properly hold his hand.

Rei squeezed it gently, smiling sympathetically at him. “It’s okay, just take your time.”

Haru nodded, “The doctor… He diagnosed me with OCD.”

Rei racked his head for everything he could about OCD. His face lit up at the realization. Things were finally starting to make sense.

“The doctor had the same look on his face when he realized. He tried to shove all these things down my throat. Medication. Therapy… I didn’t want any of it,” Haru said, trying to smile. But his lips quivered as though he were about to cry. “I… I didn’t want to tell you because I was scared what you would think.”

Rei’s eyes softened, peering into Haru’s. They were full of anxiety, filled with an insurmountable amount of stress of not knowing what would happen next. “Haru…”

“It’s stupid, I know,” Haru said, “I compulsively do things in threes. I clean everything until my hands are raw, but things finally feel right. I check locks every hour. All because I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid that if I don’t do these things, I’m going to die. I’m going to drown.” Haru took a deep breath, “When you asked me to go to the theatre, I didn’t want to because darkness makes me feel like I’m going to drown. When the lights dimmed, and it was dark, I felt like I was dying. So, I ran. I always run. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Rei whispered gently. He put his tea down on the coffee table, his free hand now caressing Haru’s face. “It’s okay. I’m not mad. If you had just told me, I wouldn’t have made you go. I’m so sorry I put you through that.”

Haru shivered, closing his eyes. “I couldn’t. I just… I really like you. I didn’t want to scare you away with all my weird problems. But I guess I made it worse.”

“Haru, I still like you, weird problems and all. That’s what makes you who you are. And I for one, think that’s beautiful.”

Haru’s eyes fluttered open, staring at Rei with disbelief. “You… You really think that?”

“I don’t like you despite your flaws, I like you with them. They’re part of who you are. Nobody is perfect, after all,” Rei smiled, running his thumb gently across Haru’s cheek. “And you’re so beautiful.”

Rei leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Haru’s. Haru squeezed his hand tightly. “You promise?”

“I promise,” Rei agreed, “And I’ll say it three times if you want me to. I promise. I promise. I promise.”

Haru laughed weakly under his breath, tilting his head to catch Rei’s lips with his own. It felt like a moment of stillness. A calm amongst the storm they’d built around themselves. Rei melted into the kiss, balancing himself with one arm against the couch as they tumbled back into the couch cushions.

Haru’s lips were so soft. They were everything that he imagined them to be. And it was real. Haru was really there, clinging onto the front of his shirt as their lips molded together. When Rei finally pulled back, Haru pulled him into a hug. “I… I never thought I would get to do that,” Haru whispered, lips tickling Rei’s neck. “I don’t want to let you go.”

“And you don’t have to,” Rei said under his breath, his hands slipping underneath Haru’s shirt to feel the softness of his skin. With each touch, he felt Haru’s muscles tense underneath his fingertips. “Is this okay?”

Haru nodded, shivering when Rei pulled his shirt up and over his head. “You’re so beautiful,” Rei said, as Haru began unbuttoning Rei’s own shirt.

Haru flushed, “Shut up, you’re embarrassing.”

“You look cute when you’re embarrassed,” Rei said, leaning down to plant small little kisses on Haru’s neck.

“Stop saying things like that,” Haru said, arms wrapping around Rei’s body as their skin met in a flush of heat.

“Okay,” Rei said, hands running back and forth over Haru’s hips. “Let’s do something else then.”

Haru whimpered, as Rei’s hands slowly undone his belt, pulling them out from the loops of his jeans and tossing them. It hit the floor with a muffled clatter. Rei pressed his forehead against Haru’s, holding his hands close to his chest. Haru could feel the drumming beat of Rei’s heart. “Is this still okay?” Rei asked.

Haru nodded, gasping softly when Rei slid his hands underneath Haru’s back to sit him in Rei’s lap. Rei began to kiss the soft skin on the side of his neck, sucking just hard enough that Haru was sure he’d have to explain the bruise to Makoto later. “Ngh…”

“I can feel your heart racing,” Rei whispered, licking Haru’s throbbing pulse point.

“So’s yours, stupid,” Haru stammered embarrassedly, though tilting his head back to allow Rei more access. Rei smiled, propelling himself off the couch with Haru’s legs wrapped around his hips. “Where are we going?”

“My bedroom, if that’s okay,” Rei said, to which Haru sighed contently.

“That’s okay.”

XxXxX

The room was dimly lit. The street lights illuminated the curtains like a veil, casting a moonlight glow through the bedroom.

Haru shuddered, flopping back against the fluffed pillows Rei kept at the head of his bed. Rei followed, lying beside him and pressing a kiss to his sweaty forehead. “That… That was…”

“Good?” Rei asked, a hopeful shimmer in his eyes.

“Really good,” Haru agreed, sighing as he allowed Rei to smooth out his hair.

“I’m glad,” Rei said, pulling the royal blue duvet over the two of them. His arms found Haru’s hips, wrapping around his slim frame and holding him close. Rei nuzzled the back of Haru’s neck, inhaling the sweet smell of soap and drug store shampoo in the other boy’s hair.

It was quiet for a moment. A stillness that felt like that time had stopped, just for them.

“Rei?”

“Yeah?”

“I… I don’t know what I’m doing,” Haru confessed, after a moment of hesitation. “I’m weird and broken and strange.” Rei could feel his chest begin to quiver, as his breaths came on quicker and quicker. “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know how to be a boyfriend, if that’s what we are. I don’t know-”

Rei propped himself up on his elbow. “Hey, it’s okay,” He said, fondly rubbing Haru’s cheek with his thumb. “You don’t have to think about that right now.” Haru shivered, allowing Rei to pull him close. “You’re not broken Haru. You just have things to work on, just like everyone else.” Rei placed a kiss on his head. “And we don’t have to be together if you don’t want to.”

Haru swallowed, peering at Rei with soft, wet eyes. “I’m scared.”

It wasn’t like Haru to show vulnerability. He had spent his whole life hiding. His whole life had been running from what made thought him weak. Rei pressed his lips against Haru’s head, smoothing down his hair. “Shhh, I’m scared too. We can do this together. I promise.”

“You mean it?”

“I mean it.”

XxXxX

There was a knock at the door, 3 crisp, separated knocks, just like Haru wanted. He peered into the peephole, the subtlest of smiles outlining his lips. He slid the door chain out of place, opening the door to Rei’s warm face, smiling right at him.

“Good morning Haruka,” he said, extending out a coffee cup. “I brought you a coffee.”

Haru scoffed, “You know I’m a barista, right?” Nonetheless, he took the coffee, inviting Rei in. Rei took off his shoes, placing them on the right of the shoe rack. Haru always left that spot empty for him. “Did you eat breakfast?” Rei asked, sliding into a chair at the kitchen table.

“Toast,” Haru shrugged, leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping his coffee.

“And mackerel,” Makoto chimed in, entering the kitchen from the other side. Haru swatted at him annoyingly. “We’ve been trying to balance his diet better, but Haru always tries to sneak mackerel in the morning when he thinks I’m not looking.”

“Hi Makoto,” Rei said, as Makoto joined him at the table. 

Makoto was still in his pajamas with his glasses perched on his head. He spread the newspaper out on the table. “Today’s the big day, right?”

Rei beamed, nodding excitedly. “Today is the day! I think it’s going to go really well.”

“You’re too excited,” Haru chided from the counter, shaking the contents of a pill bottle into his hand. He tossed one of the pills back, washing it away with a sip of his coffee. “It’s not even that big a deal.”

“Of course it’s a big deal!” Rei insisted, clutching his chest scandalously. “We’ve been preparing for this moment. I’ve studied all the theories. There’s no way this could possibly go wrong!”

“Haru’s been doing really well lately,” Makoto agreed with a firm nod. “We went a whole week without any late-night cleaning sessions.”

Haru huffed. “Makoto, you’re embarrassing me.”

“That’s wonderful!” Rei reacted happily, ignoring Haru’s embarrassed comment. “I’m so proud of you Haruka.”

Haru snorted, though his eyes sparkled with fondness. The longer they were together, Rei noticed all the different emotions Haru’s eyes could show alone; just by watching the way they twinkled or burned. The thought alone made Rei smile. “Stop making creepy faces,” Haru said, finishing the coffee and tossing the cup into the garbage. “Let’s go.”

“Someone’s eager, aren’t they?” Rei cooed, causing Haru’s cheeks to flush.

Makoto laughed, “Have a good time today. I hope everything goes well!” Haru nodded, wordlessly heading to the front door to put on his shoes. Rei stood from the kitchen table, but not before Makoto grabbed onto his arm. “Thank you for taking care of him.”

The words were sincere. Rei could tell by the softness of Makoto’s face. “You don’t have to thank me,” Rei smiled, “I wouldn’t trade him for the world.”

XxXxX

The mornings were still somewhat cold. Rei zipped his windbreaker up to his chin. Despite the persistent chill in the air, the sun shone brightly against the blue sky. Only wispy stratus clouds painted the skies, with the delicate strokes of an artist. Rei was so glad he had Haru to share these days with.

“So, how’s school going?”

The question drew Rei out of his thoughts. “It’s going well. I’m really interested in the classes I’m taking. I was surprised to see Nagisa in one of them.”

“He’s a lot smarter than he looks,” Haru agreed. He transferred his bag from one shoulder to the other, reaching his hand out to hold Rei’s. The two walked side by side toward the train station, following the faded street signs pointing to the right direction.

“How about you?”

Haru shrugged, “It’s fine. My professor for marine biology is cool. We look at lots of videos of dolphins.”

Rei squeezed Haru’s hand, “That’s fun.”

“It’s weird that everyone is younger than me,” Haru said, a slight frown deepening the creases of at the sides of his mouth. “All my classmates are babies.”

“I’m the same age as your classmates.”

“Yeah but you’re different,” Haru insisted, looking down at the ground. “I like you,” he mumbled quietly toward his shoes.

But Rei heard him, smiling fondly at the quiet compliment. Haru wasn’t one for many words. But the words that he did say meant a lot to Rei.

They arrived at the train station, turning left down a side street. Just a stone throw away was the neighbourhood community center, one of the main reasons Haru and Makoto had chosen their apartment anyway. When they walked through the doors, they were greeted by the subtle warmth of the building heater. The scent of chlorine permeated the air, causing Haru’s eyes to perk up subconsciously, the slow burning flicker in his irises beginning to dance.

Rei watched fondly as Haru’s eyes gravitated toward the glass wall that overlooked the pool deck. The early morning sun filtered in through the windows, spreading across the white ceramic tile and glassy smooth pool water. No one had come in yet, the pool pristine and clean, just like Haru wanted. “Are you ready?” Rei asked, squeezing Haru’s hand comfortingly. 

Haru swallowed, “I think so.”

The two navigated their way into the changeroom, storing their belongings in one of the full-length lockers. Haru slowly undressed, revealing his black and purple swim suit beneath his jeans. “They don’t fit the same,” He said, fidgeting uncomfortably. It had been over a year since he swam competitively. It wasn’t very surprising that his muscle tone had decreased, or that the slight softness in his stomach padded the waistband of his swimming trunks.

Rei smiled sympathetically, shedding his own shirt and pants to reveal his own swimsuit. “We can go buy new ones. Do you want that?”

“Is that a date?” Haru asked, raising an eyebrow.

“If you want it to be.”

Haru finally returned the smile, hiking up his swimsuit to cover the bits of pudge settling on his hip bones. “I think I would like that.”

Rei reached for his hand, giving a quick kiss to each of Haru’s knuckles. “Now, are you ready to try?”

Haru nodded, grasping Rei’s hand firmly to bring him closer to him. Haru laid his head on Rei’s bare chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating.

“I’m ready.”

XxXxX

It almost felt like déjà vu, except that it was silent. The tiles were wet beneath his feet, having been scrubbed earlier by the cleaning staff. Each step down the corridor from the change room to the pool felt like a mile. Haru’s heart fluttered anxiously in his chest. He looked at Rei, who nodded in reassurance.

Haru took a deep breath, slowing his steps until Rei turned around to look at him. “Haruka?”

“I’m scared,” Haru confessed, beginning to tap his fingers along his thighs.

_One, two, three…_

_One, two, three…_

“What if I choke? What if I can’t do it? What if I-”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Rei said, reaching for Haru’s hand that wildly drummed against his skin. “Remember what your therapist said?” 

Haru exhaled, shutting his eyes. His hand held firm to Rei’s, “Stop and close your eyes,” he said to himself, “picture yourself not doing your compulsion, think about how that feels.” They stood there together in silence for a moment. Rei watched Haru’s chest begin to rise and fall more slowly. He let go of Haru’s hand when Haru opened his eyes again.

“Do you feel better?”

Haru nodded meekly, “A little bit.” He inhaled deeply through his nose, beginning to walk again. At the end of the corridor, the two faced the pool. It had been so long since Haru had found himself standing here. His breath caught in anticipation, his skin breaking out into goosebumps. For the first time in a long time, he was excited to see the pool. Rei went on ahead, setting down their towels on the bleachers. Haru met him at the stairs leading down into the pool. He dipped his toe in, watching the ripples of water quiver and spread across the surface.

Rei began wading into the water. When he was waist deep, he extended his hand out to Haru in invitation.

Before Haru was the most precious things in the world. The water, and the love of his life. For a while, he had been lost. He had lost all things he thought was precious in his life. Life didn’t have meaning anymore. He had all but given up on ever being able to see something as precious again. But that all changed when he met Rei.

It was Rei who gave him the courage to move forward. It was Rei who gave him the strength to keep going. It was Rei who held him and let him cry after his first session in therapy. It was Rei that spent countless nights with him, dealing with all the nitty gritty side effects that came with each new medication he tried.

It was because of Rei he felt like he could be Haru again.

Haru nudged the water with his toe once more, before allowing himself to walk down the first step. The pool water quickly lapped over his feet, hugging around his ankles. One more step and he was up to his shin in water.

All the while he kept his eyes focused on Rei, who’s hand was reached out for Haru to join him. Haru felt the water surround his hips as he continued down the stair case. But he didn’t feel afraid. His hand met Rei’s, who pulled him in until they were both shoulder deep in the water. “So, how does it feel?” Rei asked, allowing a moment of silence to pass before speaking.

“The last time I was in a pool, I was so afraid of drowning, I couldn’t swim,” Haru said, his free hand smoothing out the surface of the water, watching it ripple and dance beneath his fingertips. “But when I look up at you, I don’t feel scared. I’m not scared anymore.” He lifted his head, his eyes shining with a radiance that Rei had never seen before. This was Haru’s element. Where he was the happiest. Where he was the truest version of himself. “And it’s all because of you.”

Rei cupped Haru’s face, pulling him in close to press a kiss against his boyfriend’s lips. “It’s all because of you, Haru. That strength has always been inside you. And that’s what makes you so beautiful.”

Haru sighed, sinking deeper into the water, as Rei wrapped his arms around the small of his back and he straddled his legs around Rei’s hips.

Haru had always been fine being alone.

But Rei made it feel like his world was finally moving forward.

**Author's Note:**

> And... That's it! That's the whole story. I hope you liked it as much as I did! I had so much fun writing this series, and I'm glad to put it to rest so I can move on to new stories that I've been planning in the meanwhile. I'm entering exam season, but after that, I should be able to keep writing to my heart's content!
> 
> Let me know what you thought of the story overall, I'd love to hear some feedback. I look forward to seeing you in my next story!


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